2 Years Ago Today

Its so hard to keep a smile on my face today. Today, 2 years ago, I was in a cold doctors office staring at my unborn daughter's heart not beating. All alone not knowing what was going to happen next, I sat waiting for my husband to arrive to give him the news. It felt as if I had failed. What did I do that was so wrong that God would take my precious child away from me? I would never see my baby open her eyes or hear her tell me that she loved me. Those are the things that I longed for after her passing. Even though much of that evening was such a blur, I remember praying with every push I took that Ava would prove everyone wrong and come into this crazy world screaming to the top of her lungs. Instead, the room was quiet, and my doctor handed her to me and told me how beautiful she was and how very sorry that he was. I wrapped her up and kept her skin close to mine while she was still warm from my womb. I kept asking her to breathe for me and let me see her eyes. I rubbed her chubby cheeks and kissed her forehead. After we had our moment together, I opened her blanket and memorized every little detail on her body so I wouldnt forget a thing. She looked just like her sister and alot like me, with her Daddy's nose. We kept her in the room with us for a while and some family came into say their goodbyes. I wasnt quite ready for that, but I was so tired, emotionally and physically. I gave her one last kiss and whispered to her just how special she was and how much I loved her. Even though Ava was only here with me for a short time, she helped make me who I am today. I am a stronger woman and a better mother. When we meet again, it will be such a sweet reunion.