Still Hangin' in There!

Just wanted to check in. I'm still here; exhausted, but I'm here. In exactly 3 weeks, we will be checking into Forsyth Medical Center to have Adalyn. I am getting so anxious that I cannot even see straight. I'm thinking that's the reason why I am so tired. I'm getting sleep, but not the you're knocked the hell out kind of sleep. I have been doing alot of tossing and turning, getting up to pee, that sort of thing. Gotta love it. I just keep telling myself that my body is just preparing for the sleepless nights to come. Even though it sounds so dreadful, I cannot wait. I just keep picturing the moment to come when we are in the delivery room, Adalyn is out safely and I hear her cry for the first time. It is going to be the most beautiful sound ever and I guarantee that I will be the proudest mama ever. 21 more days.....

Ally has been talking about Ava alot lately. I don't mind at all because I want Ava to be a part of Ally's life. Whatever it takes for her to remember Ava, I want that. I'm in such a fragile state right now that I cry over everything, but listening to Ally talk about Ava in such an innocent manor breaks my heart. Ally and I were at home on Sunday hanging out while John was at work and Ally looks up at me with a look of frustration. I could tell she was about to ask me a question so I said, "what's up baby?". She said, "Mommy, does Jesus have parachutes?". I didn't think I heard her right so I asked her to repeat herself. She stated the same thing again. I said, "well Ally, why would Jesus need parachutes?". She says, "I was hoping he would let Ava borrow one so she could come down here and we could see her." Needless to say, I lost it. Here is a child that is not even 4 years old trying to come up with ways to see her sister that she never got to really meet. When we lost Ava, everything was such a blur. I didn't know if it was a good idea for Ally to see Ava so John and I decided against it. Now, over a year later, I kick myself for it. I feel like I was unfair to Ally and I cant give that back to her now. All I can tell her for now is that we'll see her again one day and what a sweet reunion it will be.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers over the next 3 weeks. I am a nervous wreck and John and Ally are having to put up with me. I'm so on edge and the only thing that's going to cure it is to hold Adalyn and look into her eyes. I haven't held a baby since I last held Ava. It will be so bittersweet, but worth it in the end. Thanks again!